Claire’s transcripts on Joe Wong’s Annual Radio & Television Correspondents’ Dinner Stand-up Talk Show:
1. Good Evening everyone.
2. My name is Joe Wong.
3. But for most people, I’m known as “WHO?”
4. Hu, is also my mother’s maiden name.
5. And the answer to my credit card security question.
6. But these aside, I just want to assure everybody that I’m invited here tonight.
7. I grew up in China.
8. Who didn’t?
9. And my childhood memories are totally ruined, by my childhood.
10. When I was at the elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work at the rice patty, right next to the quarry where they used explosives to break rocks.
11. And that is where I learnt that light travels faster than sound.
12. Which was almost as slow as a flying rock.
13. My dad was a grumpy guy who occasionally would wans to cheer me up, with jokes, but she doesn’t do it right.
14. When I was 7, one day he said to me, hey son.
15. Why is to-fu better than centralized socialistic economy?
16. So, 5 minutes later, I said: Why?
17. He said because I said so.
18. I came to the United States when I was 24.
19. To study at Rice University of Texas.
20. That wasn’t a joke.
21. Until now.
22. And I was driving a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that were impossible to peel off.
23. And one of them said: If you don’t speak English, GO HOME.
24. And I didn’t notice for about 2 years.
25. And like many other immigrants, we want our son to become the president of this country.
26. And we try to make it bilingual.
27. Chinese teach their sons to speak English in public, which is really tough to do coz many times I have to say to him in public hey listen, if you don’t speak English, GO HOME.
28. And he would say to me hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?
29. I said, son, once you become the president of the United States, you’re gonna have to sign legislature bills in English and talk to debt collectors, in Chinese.
30. Well I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States.
31. Because in China, I cannot do the best things i do here.
32. Being an ethnic.
33. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take this American history lessons.
34. They’ll ask questions like: Who is Benjamin Franklin?
35. Well I was like: Ah~
36. The reason our convenience store gets robbed?
37. What’s the second Amendment?
38. Well I was like: Ah~
39. The reason our convenience store gets robbed?
40. What is “row” versus “wade”?
41. Well I was like: Ah~
42. Two ways of coming to the United States?
43. Later on, I read so much about American history that I studied the Harvard White Guilt.
44. And in America, they say that uh, all men are created equal.
45. But after a birth, it kind of depends on the parents’ income, for further education and health care.
46. I read in the (Madhouse) magazine that president Obama, every week, has 2 cardio days and 4 (wan-chun) days.
47. You see, I don’t have to exercise, because I have health insurance.
48. I live in Massachusettes now, where we have universal health care.
49. Then we elected Scott Brown.
50. Talk about text messages.
51. I think there was a movie about him.
52. It’s called Kill Bill.
53. I’m honored to meet Vice President, Joe Byden here tonight.
54. I actually read his autobiography.
55. And today i see you.
56. I think the book is much better.
57. They should have guests like Brad Pitt. Or even Angelina Jolie.
58. So, to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight, and i have prepared for months for tonight’s show.
59. And i showed the White House my jokes about President Obama.
60. And that is when he decided not to come.
61. And he decided to talk about imigration reforms.
62. Take that cynical bear.
63. And President Obama has always being accused of being too soft.
64. But, he was conducting to wars, and they still gave him peace prize.
65. And he accepted it.
66. You cannot be more bad-ass than that.
67. Well actually, I’m thinking maybe the only way that can be more bad-ass than that, is you take the Nobel Peace Prize money, and gave it to the military.
68. We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom might be considered as my “peers”.
69. Because I used to write a campus newspapers.
70. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.
71. Only on the newspapers can you say things like “I was born in the year of the Horse, and that is why I am a Nay-sayer.”
72. My point exactly.
73. And tonight is my first time on C-Span, which is a channel I always watch, when I couldn’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QBC.
74. If i still couldn’t fall asleep after i watch the C-Span, there is a C-Span 2 and a C-Span 3.
75. Thank you very much.
76. So I became a US citizen in 2 thousand and 8, which I’m really happy about.
77. Thank you very much.
78. America’s number one. That’s true. Coz we won the world series every year.
79. After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Byden.
80. You are welcome.
81. You handed me a “Yes We Can”.
82. That was a slogan.
83. So after getting Obama and Byden united, I felt this power to it.
84. And I started to think: Maybe I should run for the President myself.
85. Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit you know.
86. Coz i have always been a moralism and pessimistic guy.
87. I kind of feel life is like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.
88. You probably made a difference, but it is hard to tell.
89. But now we have a President who is half-black, half-white.
90. It just gives me a lot of hope, because I’m half-not black, half-not white.
91. Two negatives make a positive.
92. And you maybe saying hey, what would be your campaign slogan?
93. You see, I spent 10 years in the last decade.
94. Oh, you are, too? OK.
95. So I understand that American people are suffering.
96. So my campaign slogan would be: Hu Cares.
97. If elected, I would make same-sex marriage, not only legal, but required.
98. That would get me the youth vote.
99. You see I’m married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.
100. I was like: Wow~ 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!
101. And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force.
102. So, two people will have to do the work for one.
103. Just like the President and the Vice President.
104. Or the Awesome Twins.
105. And despite hard disease of cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.
106. So if elected, I will find a cure, for natural causes.
107. You seem to like that one.
108. But you won’t be covered by health insurance though.
109. Because of present existing conditions.
110. And I have a quick solution for global warming.
111. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.
112. It was 1 hundred degrees, and now, it’s 40.
113. You are very welcome.
114. And I’m great at foreign policy.
115. Because I’m from China.
116. I can see Russia from my backyard.
117. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive and open-dialogue is too slow.
118. So if elected, I would go with text-messaging.
119. I will text our allies, just to say Hi.
120. And text our enemies whatever driving.
121. OMG, you are building nuclear weapon?
122. But you are doing it wrong, LOL.
123. I just want to thank Radio TV correspondent Stanford Daniel for having me here tonight and this is the first time i wish my son Niel know what i was doing.
124. Thank you so much and have a good night~
